The Arena of Doom
by Kili and Fili Inc
Summary: Welcome to the Arena of Doom, the place Lord of the Rings characters meet their demise...and sometimes it can be quite gruesome. NO SLASH


**DISCLAIMER: We do not own Lord of the Rings; all rights to J.R.R. Tolkien.**

**The Arena of Doom**

Good morning! Or afternoon! Or night…Anyways, this is Fili and Kili.

Read on.

Welcome to the Arena of Doom. The place where all Lord of the Rings/ Hobbit characters fall to their deaths. Literally in some cases. Before we introduce our victims, let us first meet all the awesome characters in the safe box.

Boromir  
>Faramir<br>Galadriel  
>Gandalf<br>Éomer  
>Éowyn<br>Elrond  
>Haldir<br>Oh, and Fili and I. And with that, we meet our victims.

Denethor  
>Aragorn<br>Legolas  
>Frodo<br>Sam  
>Pippin<br>Merry  
>Smeagol<br>Gimli

So, let us start with Pippin's death.

**(THIS IS NOT MEANT TO BE MEAN OR ANYTHING. PLEASE TAKE NO OFFENSE.) ps. THIS IS JUST OUR WEIRD MINDS AT WORK. :P**

Pippin was a skinny hobbit. A VERY skinny hobbit. Until he found his passion as a cook. He never tasted of his food, and he never ate anything. He still believed he was fat. Until one day, when Frodo told him he was way underweight. So Pippin got on a scale and weighed himself.

23.9 lbs.

That was it.

All twenty-three pounds of him.

And nine ounces.

So he began to eat.

And more.

And a little more.

And just a tiny bit more.

Until, finally, he weighed 230.9 lbs.

Then Frodo warned him of his obesity and told him about the dangers of heart attacks.  
>Pippin didn't believe him, and ate a whole three-layered, triple chocolate cake, just to spite him.<br>The next day he was found dead at the kitchen table with a pile of chocolate cake crumbs on it.  
>The autopsy revealed he had died of a heart attack.<p>

"Well," said Frodo. "I warned him."

**On to the next victim…**

Denethor was a lunatic. As we all know. And one day, Faramir decided to play a practical joke on him. Or not so practical…

The next day, Denethor woke up and felt a bit light-headed. But he proceeded about his normal activities in the Arena of Doom. Until he brushed his hair. Then he found that horrible, shocking truth.

"WHERE IS MY BRAIN?!"

**KILI: What was that?**  
><strong> FILI: No idea.<strong>  
><strong> (back in the safe box)<strong>

Faramir is trying to conceal his laughter.

Boromir turns to him. "Faramir, what are you laughing at?"

"Dad."

"Why?"

"'Cause."

"'Cause why?"

"'Cause 'cause. That's why."

"So…'cause why?"

"SHUT UP!"

They both turn to see Galadriel screaming at the top of her lungs.

"WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BRAIN?!"

Faramir and Boromir glance out the window and see Denethor running around screaming maniacally.

Boromir slowly turns to Faramir. "What did you do to dad?"

"Uh…nothing."

"Then what's that bloody knife you're holding?"

Faramir looks shocked and tries to hide the knife behind his back. "What knife? I don't have a knife!"

"Yes you do! I just saw it! See? It's right—" They start to fight.

"SHUT UP!" Elrond and Galadriel yelled in unison.

"I LOST MY MIND!" Denethor is still screaming.

"Really?" Frodo asks. "I thought you did that a long time ago."

Boromir glares at Faramir. "What did you do with dad's brain?" He asks accusingly.

"Uh…I hid it."

"Where?"

"I don't know." He replied immediately.

They both ponder this for a while. A man comes in and takes out the trash.

Suddenly a look of realization dawns on Faramir's face. "Ooohhhh…So that's where I put it."

They both look at each other.

"Uh oh!"

They run out of the room, yelling for the trash man to come back.

**FILI: Well that was interesting.**  
><strong> KILI: Indeed.<strong>  
><strong> FILI: Next up…Smeagol. And Gollum. Whichever you like really.<strong>

So one day Frodo was sitting on a rock in the Arena of Doom, holding the Ring in his hand and admiring it. Smeagol is sitting nearby, eating a fish. Like he always is.

"Hey Smeagol?" Frodo says.

"What does it want, Precious?" Smeagol asks, not taking his eyes off his fish.

"You want it? You want the Precious?" Frodo waves the Ring in front of Gollum.

"YEESSSSSSS!"

Smeagol lunges for it, but Frodo throws it up in the air, screaming, "GO FETCH!"

Smeagol leaps into the air, chasing after the Precious. And he didn't stop flying. Soon, he disappeared into the atmosphere. Frodo looked down at the Ring, which was still in his hand.

He sighs. "Man, I really feel bad for tricking him now. Oh well." He throws the Ring up into the air after Smeagol.

**KILI: So there's a lack of gravity here, peeps. In the Arena of Doom, anything is possible. So…just shut up about it, okay? :P**

Smeagol continues to sail throw the atmosphere, until finally, he is in outer space. And he starts orbiting the earth. Then he broke orbit. And continued to sail indefinitely through space.

Captain Piccard of the USS Enterprise sits down in his captain's chair, when reports come in of a strange flying object in space.

"Ryker, report." He said.

"Umm…." Ryker said, scratching his beard. "It's an object, captain."

Piccard glares at him. "I know that."

"But did you know that it was flying?"

"Shut up."

"Okay."

Suddenly Smeagol splats onto the front viewscreen of the enterprise. The whole crew cringes.

"EEEEWWW!" Piccard screams. "Get it off! Ryker, do something!"

"Yes, captain." He stares down blankly at the panel of buttons, then starts to do eeny-meeny-miny-moe.

"Ryker? What are you doing, you idiot?! Just pick one!"

"Oh, yes sir. Uh…which one is the—"

"Right here." Piccard leans over and pushes the button for him.

Windshield wipers pop up on the enterprise and start to move back and forth across the viewscreen, making squeaking noises. Smeagol is being pushed back and forth between the blades, all the while saying, "Prrreccciouuuss…." as the Ring bounces across the enterpirse.

Finally, Smeagol peels off and the Ring flies back into the Arena of Doom.

"Finally." Piccard said. "Wait a second, what the heck is that?" He points out the viewscreen.

A giant asteroid is looming before them.

"Ryker, get us out of here!"

"All right, sir. Uh…which button?"

Explosion.

Meanwhile, Smeagol falls into a strange portal in the asteroid, and no one has seen him since. I wonder where he could be…?

** KILI: Okay, next is Legolas.**

The whole Fellowship (aside from Boromir) was staring at Legolas. He was hacking away with his knives at invisible opponents.

"Take that! And that!" He shouted. He was also screaming curses at them, but we are not allowed to say those kinds of things here.

Suddenly, two orcs someone manage to get into the Arena of Doom, and Legolas spots them.

"DANGER!" He shouts, pointing. He lunges forward and quickly decapitates them.

He returns to his companions. "Hey guys, look what I got!" He holds up both orc heads by the hair. "Two more friends!"

They stare at him, blinking. What the…

**FILI: Okay, so this is just the beginning of Legolas' demise. He has another part later, so don't worry!**

Frodo was having a bad day. He spilled his bowl of cereal all over the kitchen floor, tripped up and down all four flights of stairs, and stubbed his toe on the mailbox. He also got hit in the head with a baseball bat, but that was a more trivial injury compared to what is going to happen next.

Frodo didn't see the ent coming for him. And how could he? He didn't have rearview mirrors.

But the last thing he felt, was a squashing sensation, then darkness.

The ent glanced downwards. "Oops."

Frodo was dead.

**KILI: So…next is Sam.**

Sam was always being made fun of because he was so short. And one day, he got really tired of it, and told Mr. Frodo his plan of how he was going to be tall.

Then he set his plan into action.

"Hey, Fili! Kili! Can I get a metal doorframe down here?" He shouts to us. (who are currently up in the safe box.)

"Sure!" Fili shouts back. She pushes a few buttons and then, voila! A metal doorframe appears.

"Thanks!" Sam calls.

"Don't mention it!" Fili calls back.

Sam pulls out his elvish rope. "I knew this would come in handy." He begins to tie several loops around the top and sides of the doorframe, then several around himself. Then, with a boost from an ent (the same one that killed Frodo) was successfully able to connect the ones on the doorframe to the ones on himself. Then he hung there, and stretched.

"Hey! I think its working!" He barely say it as the rope around his neck tightened accidentally. Suddenly it got a little too tight.

And Sam was no more.

**FILI: Oh. Better dispose of the bodies within 24 hours. You know how much Elrond hates that.**  
><strong> KILI: Oh yes. Hey, trash guy! Come here and get rid of Sam here!<strong>

Gimli, as we all know, had a very long beard. A VERY long beard. It was a warm day in the Arena of Doom, and Gimli decided to cool off with a fan. But he got a little too close. His beard got caught in the fan and soon, he was all tangled up in it. Trying to get himself out, he was successful in getting himself even more in a jam. By this time, the fan motor had already burned out, and smoke was burning from it. But Gimli couldn't tell. He was no more. He had already kicked the bucket.

** KILI: Ookkaaayyy…that wasn't gory at all.**  
><strong> FILI: Yeah right.<strong>

Merry fell in a whirlpool.

Why?

Because he decided to go swimming. He can't swim.

He didn't know it was a whirlpool, until we may have ACCIDENTALLY leaned on the 'whirlpool' button. Oh well, he was sticking around too long anyway. Wasn't doing anything fun…

** FILI: Well that was short.**  
><strong> KILI: Yup. Onto Aragorn. Last, but definitely not least.<strong>

Snap! Snap! Aragorn took four more selfies, making sure to include his charming smile and his devious look.

He flipped his hair again, posing with his favorite bottle of shampoo. Well, of course it had to be his favorite. He was a model for the new shampoo commercials. It's specially made for elves. Why Aragorn's using it? Don't ask me.

Anyways, he was currently taking more selfies, when Legolas got a bright idea.

"No, I don't think that's a good idea." Legolas looks at the orc head in his right hand. "Shut up. Bad idea." He looks at the one in his left hand. "No, Tim, I didn't say that!" He looks back at the right hand one. "Joe, what did I tell you about that kind of language? Oh fine. We'll do it."

The Fellowship (excluding Boromir, who is in the safe box with us) stares at him strangely.

"OH!" Aragorn shouts. "Let me pose by this beautiful rock structure here. Okay, one…two…three…"

"HEADS!" Legolas shouts, jumping behind Aragorn making a creepy face while holding the orc heads aloft. Aragorn gasps and puts his hand over his heart, simultaneously taking the picture Legolas photobombed.

"I'm bootiful." Aragorn says before falling to the ground, frozen in that position.

Legolas pauses uncertainly. He looks at Aragorn, confused. "Aragorn?" He nudges his body with his toe. "Are you dead?"

No answer.

He swings to the orc head on the right (Joe). "LOOK WHAT YOU DID!"

**Back in the safe box.**

"Oh look!" Galadriel exclaims. "I just got a snapchat from Aragorn." She opens the picture and sees Aragorn with a horrified look on his face and Legolas in the background, looking just as possessed as ever, holding two orc heads high above his head. The caption says, 'I'm bootiful.' "What the heck?" She says.

A news report flashes on. "Breaking news from the Arena of Doom. Aragorn dies of a massive heart attack, being literally scared to death. Twice." The lady added.

Legolas shrugs. "Oops." He looks at Tim. "Hey, stop that!"

Two hours later, Legolas is still playing with his heads. He is sitting cross-legged, one head in each hand, talking to them.

Fili sighs. "Okay, time for him to go."

"The pit?" Kili asks.

"The pit." Fili confirms.

** Okay, so you guys will hear more about 'the pit' in our next story. We hope you all enjoyed it.**

**KILI AND FILI' SONG OF THE WEEK**

**Let Go**  
><strong>Artist: Red<strong>

An alley. A normal alley. You can see a section of the street. Nobody's out. Except for a simple trash truck, which is driving by. Faintly, you can make out two men running after it, shouting indecipherable phrases. As they approach, you can make out one of their sentences distinctly.

"WAIT! YOU HAVE SOMETHING WE NEED!"

_**Kili and Fili :D :)**_


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